Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Instant Justice Can Really Sting

This was sent to me. Probably quite a bit embellished, but hilarious nonetheless...


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.

The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ...isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ...after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ...but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.

I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

P.S. Remember this motto ...An armed society makes for a more civil society!


Delaware Dem said...

LOL. This story is most likely bulls*t after the gun is pulled. But really, what part about the gun owner's actions after he sent the mugger away can be described as civil? More like childish retribution. A real man pulls the gun and retains the perp while the cops are called. And a real man does not brag his heroism to whatever Gun Nut weekly this Penthouse letter was sent to.

a most peculiar nature said...

I can only hope that this is true :))

Delaware Watch said...

The man who pulled the gun turns out to be a bigger criminal than the man who pulled the knife. And Tyler Nixon thinks the actions of the man who pulled the gun are commendable.

Anonymous said...

Again, no sense of humor from the left.

Tyler Nixon said...

So true, anonymous.

Dana - do you always do to others what you cry hysterically about when you think someone has done it to you?

As you would surely respond, were you on the receiving end of this remark of yours (that makes you a patent hypocrite, in addition to a humorless dolt) :

'Prove where I ever "commended" this person. You are lying!!'

I almost wrote in the post "This guy sure cut his own swath of criminality". But I accepted the whole thing as humorous fantasy and let it be. But of course, leave it to the professor to turn humor into a phony potshot...

Delaware Watch said...

"I almost wrote in the post "This guy sure cut his own swath of criminality"."

Bullcrap, Tyler. If you had been joking, you wouldn't have written this which YOU BELIEVE: "Remember this motto ...An armed society makes for a more civil society!"

Now admit it. You do believe that quaint little motto, don't you?

You are not fooling me.

Tyler Nixon said...

That last one has to be one of Dana Garrett's more ridiculous comments ever. Truly asinine.

As Dana himself would respond to such a comment as his last :

"PROOF? You're making things up. I have never said I believe such a thing. You're a liar!"

For the record, I don't even believe there is such a thing as an "armed society".

It bespeaks his woeful AND purposeful lack of understanding that Dana Garrett would think that I, as a libertarian, would conflate the presence (or not) of any number of "armed" individuals into some ethereal notion of an armed (or unarmed) "society".

Seriously, Dana, you should find better avenues project your collectivist mentality than such trivialities as a purely amusing verbatim re-posting of an outlandish craig's list ad.

Mike W. said...

Obviously Dana can't take a joke...

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