It's not necessarily such a bizarre question, since we seem to be so concerned about the original intent of the Founding Fathers over the past few decades.
So, from a shoebox left in my garage by a previous tenant, is a heretofore unknown letter from the man who (genetically speaking) had the best claim to being the Father of Our Country and the man who (had we only followed his advice) would have made sure the Wild Turkey was not only a drink.
August 30, 1767
My Dear Lady,
I know of no Medicine, Device or Appliance fit to diminish the surging inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the most proper and natural remedy, the State in which you are mostly likely to find solid Happiness. Your Feelings against the Male Sex and your Reasons against not entering into the State of Matrimony, appear to me not well-founded. There are, as you know, no circumstantial Advantages in View to a Woman alone or two Women together that can be considered in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Penetrational Strength; he, her Softness, Sensibility and alternative orifices. A Woman alone, or two Women together, are much less likely to succeed in the World, not least for the lack of Public Approbation for their living Arrangements, and a tendency for the Majority of Citizens as well as the Force of Law and Custom to censure such behavior as either Sinful or Contrary to the Natural Order. If you will but find an industrious healthy Husband, his industry in his Profession combined with your good Economy, will result in a fortune sufficient, and over the Bounds of Time and with the application of mechanical enhancements turn Apprehension into Familiarity; Familiarity into Fondness; and Fondness into Love.
But if you will not or cannot take this Counsel, and persist in believing that your bodily Commerce with others of the same Sex is inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my reasons. They are these:
i. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor’d with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable, their tongues having developed both Facility and Experience.
ii. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence within the Relationship, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Assemblage of Utilities. They learn to do 1000 services small and great, and are the most tender and amiable of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.
iii. Because having passed their child bearing years, the lustful portion of your relationship will be secreted without the necessity of Plaid, which otherwise may be attended with much public outcry and inconvenience.
iv. Because thro’ more Experience, an elderly Sapphic Woman will be more prudent and discreet in conducting their intrigues to prevent Suspicion. Such Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to you Reputation. And with regard theirs, if your Arrangements should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin’d to excuse an old Woman who would so considerately take care of a young Woman, form her tastes for the necessary appliances, and prevent her ruining her Health and Fortune in the application of such vile cosmetics, or the piercing of flesh, which will often be necessary for both the Seduction and the Retension of a younger Woman.
v. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the Dark all Cats are grey and all boats can be thought to float, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Sapphic Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of improvement.
vi. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, especially if the Affair includes injurious probing without the proper Natural or Artificial lubrication, and make her resultant Pleasure with other paramours too infrequent.
vii. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable, especially should she later be destined for the service of the Cock, may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman both happy and well-filled.
viii. Lastly They are so grateful!!
Thus much for my Paradox. But I still advise you to put away all implements of Childish Exploration and marry directly; being sincerely
Your affectionate Friend.
Benj. Franklin
Who knows what advice he might have given to a straight guy the same day?
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