A potential scoop: busing queers around the country will change the weather patterns

Classically Liberal recalls interviewing fundamentalists in the 1970s when Indiana was mooting a law to make homosexuality a felony:

Prior to the Rally the Falwellians rallied their troops of religious Neanderthals and had them march through the streets of Indianapolis. I marched with them, tape recorder in hand...

That year California, and I guess much of the West, was in a drought. No surprises there. California and the West have experienced droughts for as long as history has been recorded. I mention this because of one couple I interviewed. The woman was standing there in her very long dress (anything above the knees was immodest to them). She had a Bible clutched in her hand and pressed up against her breast. Any one in public, with a Bible clutched in full view, is almost always bad news. And, in a sense, so was she. But she was far more amusing that deadly, though I have no doubt she would have happily joined in a stoning of a homosexual or, in times past, happily provided some wood to burn a witch or two.

I asked her why she was participating in this march. She explained that God hates homosexuals and God wants homosexuals punished. If man won’t punish homosexuals then God will punish man. In the deep theology of fundamentalism if you don’t hate the people they hates then their God will beat up your God and hurt you. She then went on to explain that the drought in California was the result of the state being more tolerant of homosexuals than other places in the country. Apparently the drought had nothing to do with the typical climate of the region; it is all based on the whims of her deity.

I asked her: “Are you saying that the presence of homosexuals causes droughts?”

Without hesitation she said: “Yes.”

I couldn’t resist a follow-up question. “Then, if a region is experiencing floods, would it be possible to stop the rain by busing in a lot of homosexuals?”

All right, I knew the question was absolutely ludicrous. Who in their right mind would think you could control the weather by moving gay people around the country? She paused momentarily and then said, “Yes, that would work.”

It appears that homosexuals also have the power to bring rain as well.

Fast forward to today--well, four days ago--to Maine, where the State is currently seeing unusual amounts of spring and summer rain. Here's Michael S. Heath [yes, he actually signed his name to this] writing in The Times-Record:

What is missing is the sun, God’s emblem of cheerfulness and benevolence.

Our crops are faring like our moods. The potato crop is blighted, and corn and fruit fields wither. In one historic building in Augusta, rain flooded the basement, as water from another source poured down through the ceiling and extinguished a century-old chandelier.

Few people would be bold enough to suggest the cause of the endless rain and gloom, that the moral climate in Maine has caused the sun to hide its face in shame.

Worse than the rain is the fact that Maine voted in homosexual “marriage.”

In May, our elected officials overturned a law of nature, and in its place paid honor to evil and unnatural practices. Our leaders allowed a cloud of error to hide the light of reason, and then the rain began. How fitting that this eclipse of human reason is mirrored by the disappearance of the sun!

What darkness equals the error of saying a family should be headed by two mothers or two fathers? What error equals saying that two women can be married, or two men? I am not saying that homosexuals or the gay rights movement are to blame for the weather. Far from it!

The fault lies with a refractory governor and Legislature who imposed an immoral law on our people.

At first I was confused: Sodomites bring both drought and too much rain? Can't God be consistent in His punishments?

Then I re-read the Maine piece, and realized it wasn't the faggots who actually caused the rain, but the people who voted in same-sex marriage.

So the formula apparently works like this:

If you need to have less rain because your potatoes are blighted: import women in plaid shirts covering nipple rings who hold hands in public, and the clouds will dry up.

But...

If you accidently overdo it and get a full-scale drought, then you can make it rain again by allowing lesbians to marry each other.

Who knew.

And, yes, Waldo, I am waiting with bated breath to see how long it takes Savonarola to pick up this one.